Oh Please, NOT Again....

Well, after the on and off sleepless night last night I did get some sleep today. But of course now it is almost midnight and here I sit. By the end of the week I will be able to cover a night shift no problem.....just like a tiny baby my sleep schedule is diving into the dumpster.....hopefully it won't be there long. Maybe it's because I actually can sit and think and write before or after the day has come or gone without feeling like I need to be doing something else???? Who knows. I sure don't. Today I went onto Oprah.com and signed in for the first time in forever. I was kind of pissed at her because during the time that we were nearing the end of our rope with the patent we filed I emailed Oprah a million times regarding the "Harpo Hook Up" trying to get the idea in front of a company that can visualize what we and most every person who has heard our idea can visualize and take the ball and run with it......for a percentage of course. But not any portion of ownership. That patent belongs to the boys and my grandkids. All I have ever wanted was to be able to make life a little (a LOT) easier for them now than it was for us when they were little. My whole brilliant idea of returning to school and borrowing what feels like a million dollars was to provide the boys with a good life.....if I had known that my education would not complete until they had graduated high school I probably would've thought a little more on the whole idea. I don't regret going; I regret being ignorant to the whole student loan scam. Now WHY would they loan so much to a person who carried a C average in college, barely scored in the bottom third of the Law School Admission Test and repeated her first year of law school due to an emotional tornado striking two weeks before her first year law exams????? Because I am a hell of an arguer and can write a damn justifiable appeal...possiby a curse in this regard though. If I had known that missing the GPA by .02 was going to eliminate me from the entire path I was on I would've requested delaying the exams (which I found out after the fact I could've requested) and dealing with some of the emotional stuff I had going on. My grandfather was 83, had JUST died of cancer and I could not attend the funeral due to exams. I had spent a ton on a ticket home right before he died to simply look in the hospital room door, see him snoring and knowing that I wouldn't wake him when sleep was so fleeting. He knew before he died that I had come home. And my final memory of him was hearing his snore and seeing his lips quake from his snoring. Peaceful...that is how I remember him. He suffered such pain that I don't think I could bear any other memory of him. Also, I had been with Bob 8 years and had only been in Connecticut for three months when he started not answering his phone when I tried to call. Then not returning any calls from the voicemails I left. Then escalating to answering and realizing it was me and hanging up not to answer it again for the night. This from a man whom I had met, fell in love with and moved in with within two weeks of meeting. He was so dependant on me that he would mail our business paperwork 3,000 miles for ME to do because he couldn't manage to do it himself. We had an excavation company that did really well for a one man/one woman show. I did all the taxes, paperwork, bill paying and helped in the ditch, drove dump and bobcat when needed. He did the bids and digging. But then the call comes two weeks before finals for my first year and he says, "I think I need some space and time"....my response to that is "I AM 3,000 MILES AWAY FOR THREE YEARS!!!!! HOW MUCH MORE FUCKING SPACE AND TIME COULD YOU NEED????" At that point I went off the edge......Finding myself in a car in a liquor store parking lot drunker than I've ever been in the middle of the night with some man I've never met, never seen before!!!??? I spent everynight getting drunk, pushing my luck driving drunk, hitting something and destroying my car and never knowing WHAT I hit. Even getting stopped by the New Haven cops and never even being asked for my license even though I was so drunk I almost had to pour myself out of the car. Driving right past my apartment building while one cop "escorted" me home and then pulling a U-Turn in the middle of the street and going back.......cop-in-tow until the engine was off and I was inside. Punishing myself for that type of behavior by making myself walk the 7 miles to the library at school with my books.......and all kinds of other stupid things that people who really don't care anymore do. I spent the remainder of my law school career trying to convince myself and those around me that I was fine........but I wasn't. It took over three years to finally be fine. After all, I had spent 8 years planning this......8 years believing that when Bob's back gave out from the hard labor jobs he worked that I could pick up the slack and he could slow down a bit. I was not going to stop doing what I had been trying to achieve for ten years. That would make me a quitter and that was NOT the lesson I was trying to teach. My boys are always my #1 priority and no one will ever have the power or persuasion to change that. Even at 33 & 34 they are my "boys" and they turned out perfect on my scale. I really wonder sometimes how the hell that happened??? Are they just that good at hiding the reality from me or are they really this smart????? When I was young I had a reputation for running from things, not facing them head on. I had run away from home at 12, 13, & 14 and marrying at 15 in attempts to escape the insanity that lived at my house. Once I married and left home setting up the "nest" for the baby on the way my parents split and did the "back and forth thing" a couple times finally divorcing. My father has never forgiven himself for not being able to quit drinking before it was too late. He hasn't drank in about 25 years now and still carries his burden around everywhere he goes. Three marriages since Mom should prove that he messed up and has not succeeded in finding an equivalent replacement for my mother. She is too amazing, too beautiful, too deserving to suffer any longer than she did. She is also the one who shares all the good memories too and there really were a lot of good ones mixed in there. Nice homes, new clothes in the fall, summer cabin, summer vacations to the Oregon Coast or Vancouver BC, Canada to visit my Dad's sisters (one older, one twin), snow skiing, a horse of my own, motorcycles, tons of packages under the tree every Dec 25th. It was a good appearance. It could've been a good feeling if there had ever been feelings present in the room other than anger. Seems those were the only ones allowed out in the open. I don't remember ever hearing either of my parents tell me they loved me until I was in my 20's and forced it on them. I know that they loved me but knowing it and hearing it are really apples and oranges. Well, enough is enough of this for now. I am going to attempt to sleep. I'm sure I'll be back if that doesn't happen. So many things to explain once you start connecting rhyme to reason. I will have to work on that but this is actually a "draft" as I'm positive it will change over time. Everything does.........g'nite.