Well, finally I am able to say that the SS Admin has awarded me my disability. I will receive a monthly income and medical coverage. At least that is what the woman said the other day on the phone. I will recieve a letter soon with all the information about it. All I know is that I am so relieved that this part of my life is over. I really hated the thought of having to fight for this with another appeal. Luckily it only took about eighteen months where some wait two and three years or more. I couldn't believe how much stress relief I felt when she told me they'd mailed an "award letter" that day. It was on Monday and I called just to do a status check on the last appeal. She kind of giggled and said, "Oh, they just mailed out your award letter today." I said, "does that mean it was approved?" and she said yes. At that moment I felt the knot in the back of my neck release....literally. Well, it is almost four in the morning and I need to try to sleep again. Not that that is going to happen but it's worth a shot. G'nite.

Well, here we are. After 40 years we are still the very best of friends. I love this woman more than anyone could ever guess. She is the most wonderful person to know. And to be able to call her one of my "best friends" means that I am more privileged than others as I know her so well that I "feel" our friendship. She is the same person I met over 40 years ago and at the same time she is totally different. It's like remodeling....the "bones" are the same but the decor changes over time. Still the same address, just a different place. This picture was taken at a diner we ate at in San Francisco, CA in October 2010. Linda ran a half marathon called the Nike Women's Marathon that is a fund raiser for cancer. She ran it in my honor and raised over $2400! She bought my ticket down to Sacramento and then she, Jerry (her husband who I love also), and I drove to San Francisco for the run. We stayed at the Westin in Union Square where the race headquarters were. We shopped at Macy's, had a blast visiting and just had a good time seeing each other. I always feel so good mentally/emotionally when I am around Linda. I love to make her laugh and am pretty good at it if I must say so myself. She is easy to make laugh and her laugh is contagious. She is now a nurse for Kaiser after about 25 years of working for a Kaiser Dr (I think that's how it goes?) and she is an excellent nurse. She flew to Vegas after my surgery and "nursed" me back to health and it was wonderful! She always cooks for me the best food a person can eat! She's just the best of the best. When we were at her home she whipped up some really tasty, very healthy drinks that I loved and so I came home and went out and bought a juicer type blender to make these healthy drinks with and without me knowing it she had ordered me one of the "Vitamix" blenders that are huge expensive but the best blender to make these smoothies with as they will mix the entire whole food into a drink. You get the benefit of the entire food. Which is what I need due to my intestinal issues. She spent about $500 (I"m guessing) on this blender for me so I could be healthier. What a wonderful person she is when it comes to doing as she does. She walks the walk and her mouth never overloads her ass! hehe!! I am learning how to make all kinds of goodies with this blender. It even makes HOT soup!!! Can you believe that???? Well, I can. Thank you again Linda for the blender. It is amazing! I need to eat so I will stop here. Just needed to check in with this thing as I have not written in a while. Told people in Vegas that I died and want it that way. Vegas did nothing but try to take my life on a daily basis. Vegas and the people I knew there do not interest me any longer. One day I may go into it in detail but not today. Bye for now.

Flying the friendly skies! I hope...

Today I am headed to Sacramento so that Linda and I (along with various supporters) can go to San Francisco for the Nike Womens Marathon. Linda has secured $2500 in donations for her run of this marathon! It takes place on the 17th and I will be there waving her on to the finish line!! Go Linda!!! :-) She's such a good person! I sewed these jammie pants for her. I'm waiting for Mat to get done with a meeting at Emanuel Hospital so that we can go to the airport. My flight is at 3:20 pm today. Gotta get this thing packed up to travel! Talk again soon I hope. :-D Bye!!

When can this end? Does this end???

When? We can only guess for now I think. I do feel that I am on the correct path even if it seems to not reach very far very fast. But, it's not a race to the end after all. I use to ask Rollie if he was in a hurry to die as he never enjoyed the "journey" just rushed through all of that to get to the final result. I always saw that as such a waste of great things and time! I am in no hurry to die. It might feel that way at times but I know better. Yesterdays procedure at the St Mary's Surgery Center turned out to be an all day event. I got home near 8pm and couldn't sleep at all. Too much pain, too many thoughts. Glad it is history now though! Once the swelling from the stitches goes down the stoma should only be about an inch in length compared to the 2-3 inches it was. With luck it will stop the urinary infections or at least lessen the number of them. Keep your fingers crossed this procedure does the trick~

Just Hangin' Out at the Cancer Center

Today Sylvia and I are both here. Side by side just hangin' out. I should finish first today as she's doing chemo, I'm just doing the flushing of my system after yesterday's chemo. I have to return tomorrow also. Then not back until the 28th and then again in May from what the schedule says. I am almost done. I want to get out of here so that I can go get the flowers and deck paint for the house. I'm getting red geraniums for the window boxes and then some marine paint for the decks. In gray I think...unless I see something else that will match that I like more. I would really love to take the paint all the way off and stain it natural wood. Or dark wood. Oh well, we'll see what paint cost versus stripping it all down and staining and sealing. Gotta go, time to blow this joint!

Today while thinking outloud to myself..........

Today while thinking outloud to myself...yeah right...I found out that the Dr has scheduled me for another round of chemo beyond the original three sessions.  So, we now are into May and this was not in my plan.  Of course, cancer was not in my plan either.  I talked with Teresa yesterday and found out that Riley (a girl in Hermiston who is a family friend of all of us who grew up there) who suffers from cancer received some devastating news yesterday; her cancer is back, in her lungs, with a vengeance and it does not look good.  The rumored time frame is about a month.  I would trade places with her in a minute if it would mean that she could beat my cancer which is more likely than her beating hers.  I am old, I've done 95% of the things I have wanted to do in my life (excluding loving a man other than my sons for longer than the times allotted so far) and she has so much more to do than I anyway.  She could probably find and love a man given the time to do so and she would probably do a much better job at it than I.  She could go to a prom, be engaged, have a huge church wedding and all the other things I so casually tossed off as unneccessary and only now realize their value.  It's a shame that some of us only realize our losses after we lose.  If I could trade places with her I would.  My sons would understand my reasoning as they know me well.  I think they could accept it if they know me at all.  I would have to do some explaining to the grandkids most likely but they are old enough now to probably assorb my thought process.  Whether it's fair to them or not is something I would have to think a bit more about.  But, I think all in all it would be possible to accept.  Riley has suffered through a far more painful and exhausting cancer experience than I.  And she is still smiling....anytime, EVERYTIME I find myself starting to boohoo over my situation or feel like the poor me's are setting in I think of her.......so young and so strong and here I am trying to feel sorry for myself.  I have to rethink my behaviour and start again.  She's my strength without even realizing it.  I pray for a miracle for her. 

I don't feel so well this morning.  Last night was the same.  I can't really complain as it could be so much worse than I've had.  I don't have chemo again until the 31st of this month.  I fell asleep on the couch last night and woke up freezing cold this morning.  Fire had gone out and the furnace is off so even the cats were looking at me like..."what the hell?"  Sorry 'bout that...hehe!  I watched the movie "Precious" the other day.  Intense movie for sure.  I had to pause it now and then cuz it just hit a couple soft spots that I had to walk away from for a minute. 

I am going to do the research today for a lawsuit against the urgent care and the Dr. who saw me at the urgent center in Vegas when my cancer should've been "noticed" but wasn't .  I have a year to file, I have to do an affidavit of another Dr. prior to filing and I need to find out who the Dr.'s insurer is.  I will sue the center, the Dr., the insurance of both and any and all others connected to the administration of the center/practice.  The court can then eliminate parties as it sees fit.  I am going to also try to retain an attorney in Reno because I know I won't find competent representation in Vegas.  Bunch of frickin idiots there.  If I have to represent myself than I will do that but for right now I don't want to even think about it much less do all the research and work.  I will have to travel and I don't feel well enough for that yet.

Gotta get busy.

Oops.

I now have tile and paint.  I cleaned up the shower where I will put the tile in.  It's going to look really nice when I get done.  I also have the primer and paint for the living room.  I can't wait to get started on the painting.  It's going to be a fairly large job so it will take me a while to complete.  Especially if the chemo makes me ill.  Keep your fingers crossed it isn't horrible. 

It is 3:30 a.m. again...

It is always this time of day when the fire goes out.  I must feel it from way back in my room as I woke up to stoke the flames that weren't there.  A little paper, some dried bark, a stick match...voila'...we have fire.  I am amongst the comforts of my grandmother's soul.  She lives here with me in this home.  I love that fact.  I "redefined" the flower beds yesterday.  In other words, I weeded them.  I took out the bricks that were outlining them and removed the wood bark.  I will be planting flowers there this week I plan.  I am going to Home Depot today later with my aunt whom I rent from.  We are on a tile & paint buying expedition to do the guest bath and the lower half of the living room wall. I painted the lower half of the wall in the dining room and it suddenly became "b-board."  Looks good so the remaining "wood panel look" will go away now.  ;-)  Love that idea 
I begin my chemo on Tuesday.  Fear of the unknown sets in and soon the unknown will be a definite in my life.  Not everyone loses their hair with this chemo the Dr. said but I am guessing that is the exception, not the rule.  I have been known to break the rules though.

The Era Of My Mind

The place that I come from is one that on a warm day I could get on my

motorcycle and ride off in any direction and nobody even noticed. I


could ride several directions to a huge field where only one tree


stood and was surrounded by wheat fields and there was an old


farmhouse becoming more and more abused by the weather and time


unattended as each day went by. I could see off in the distance the


town below that was "home" and in another direction the freeway that


was a reminder that is was the year 1971. Without those two reminders


I could easily pretend to be "Laura" or "Mary" from the Little House


Series of books that one of my elementary class teachers had read


every word of to us as we laid on little rugs brought specifically for


that purpose. (This was long before the Little House Series hit the


television screens!) I remember laying in that field as if I were on


my blanket and would think about that teacher for she had given each


of us in that class the desire along with the ability to read. This


place had been "mine" since I was 11 years old and had proven that I


could handle that motorcycle on the mountain roads I explored.






The other place I would ride to was what we named "The Breaks." It


was a place where I would sit on a huge boulder and look out over the


crevices between the mountains where they "broke" into separate


mountains and you could see far far down where the rivers and creeks


would be if you could've see them through the trees. But it was so


high up that seeing between the trees was impossible. You could


listen to this place and almost hear Angels talking as the breeze


created sounds that made you look behind you and around to see who was


saying something and then look again to see if anyone was just pulling


a joke on you from behind a tree or somewhere or had seen you looking


around with a look of surprise or almost fear of the unknown. Then it


would send a chill down my back and start a whole new train of


thoughts and off I would go again.










Other "spaces" in my era, my "time" and in my memory belong to my


grandparents ranch and the countless Sundays I would spend there in


the powder fine dust, riding and petting horses Grampa said I could


buy from him if I could come up with $50 (which he knew would take me


forever to save), climbing on the wheat combines that harvested the


10,000 acres of farmland he planted in wheat and barley, checking out


all the new baby pigs that were in pens with huge mamas that we were


strictly warned NOT to even put a finger through the fencing of if we


expected to keep that finger! Climbing up to the top of the barn and


opening the hay door so that we could see who was coming out from the


house. When I was older, about 13 or 14 and would get bored Grampa


would toss me the keys to the old farm truck and me and whoever was


there and brave enough to join me would run for the old truck, situate


myself on the pillows or coats in the cab behind the wheel and we


would be ripping down that dirt road as fast as I dared with a cloud


of that brown powder rising high behind us. That world seems so far


away now. My sister would get car sick in the same location every


Sunday on the way as the road to Gramma & Grampa's was long, two


lanes, very hilly and curvy and it never failed that she would turn


green and we would have to stop to let her puke. My brother would


fail to mention he had to pee and would be given a pop bottle cuz Dad


wasn't stopping again.......and back then the bottles were glass and


had no screw back on and forget it caps.......he would hold it between


his feet until he could safely pour it out at the ranch. And me, I


just sat in the middle cuz I was not privileged enough to get a window


seat........being the youngest I was not privileged for much on road


trips.










After having my own kids I would think about how I valued the memories


of the ranch, the cabin, the family reunions that so many cousins,


aunts, uncles, and their cousins, and their kids and new husbands, or


new wives, Grampas and Grammas and GREAT Grammas and sisters of


Grammas and Grampas would attend that we HAD to rent the Grange Hall a


1/4 mile down the road to fit us all. Everyone came with something to


eat in hand and proud to show off. We all had our favorites and would


run to see if that is what that person brought for us again that


year. I actually grew up and became the master of the "Dream Torte"


that I made and it felt odd that now there were kids checking to see


if that is what I brought that year. The smells coming from that hall


were amazing and still make my stomach growl just thinking about it


all. After the food was eaten, the deserts cut into and visited a


second time the men would bring out the guitars and start playing


songs they all loved to sing and hear. The women would all be in the


kitchen cleaning and doing dishes and wrapping up food and making sure


everyone got the (now empty) dish that they brought with them. Then


when the ladies were done they would join everyone and the music would


go on for what seemed like an eternity. They all had such beautiful


voices the men did. I remember my mom always requesting her


favorite; Green Green Grass of Home and the guys never hesitated to


oblige her.










I wished that my kids could've had that in their lives, I wanted them


to feel what I felt because of that family. I finally realized that


they were creating their own memories of the places my parents lived,


the people that were still alive, still visited by us. It just seems


that that entire era is gone now. No one gets together anymore, no


one drives two or three hours to get to the ranch like we did every


week, no one cooks or sings anymore. We've all gotten old, many have


died and it's now the era of the grandkids kids........It all went so


fast. I miss it.