I guess there are no perfect solutions....

I have just gotten home from seeing my Dr again.  I have been positively believing that there will be a solution to my back pain and what causes it and how to fix it and when we will do that...but there are no new answers for me.  "Nothing I can do for you" were his exact words.  Those words instantly bring me to tears and cause my mind to race for answers it appears I will not find.  How does a person live with this level of pain where you can't even get out of bed???  And, if I'm feeling it, if something caused it...WHY isn't there a way to correct it???  I feel so bad for the boys as they hear the desperation in my words and my voice and I know they worry that I will just refuse to take it any longer.  I don't want to create fear or pain for them.  I just want to be able to get up in the morning, go for a bike ride if I chose to do so, ride a horse again...live MY life.  The one I built and now cannot find a way to participate in.  I can only view it from the historical and spectator perspective.  I really want a cigarette right now.  I quit three weeks ago today for the surgery I won't be having.  Anyone who truly knows me knows by that statement that I really believed this surgery would happen and that it was going to "fix" me.  Now I just want to smoke.  I smoked for nearly 40 years (age 11 to 51) and quitting was not something I did or do for that matter.  I don't quit.  I use to tell people when they would suggest that I quit smoking that I "quit quitting."  Gave it up.  Thanks anyway.  I really planned on my quitting being for a valid reason (other than death by cancer of course.  That's pretty "valid").  The surgery to fix my back was the motivator....seems it works both directions that way.  I think I might check into getting drunk... been a long damn time since I've been drunk and might just be the "blank space" I need right now...Wish me luck.