How often can this happen?

Some days just feel as if they never quite finish....that is what yesterday was like. I felt as if I got no sleep, was never in my jammies, never relaxed. So then of course today is twice the effort and energy that it deserves. That might be an "unjust" word to use...deserves...but sometimes that is the way it feels. And over the years I have learned that what you feel is a direct result of what you experience and no matter how hard you try.....it doesn't change. You may be able to disguise it but....it really hasn't changed. The outer appearance might be something other but inside it is what it is....and inside it stays until it goes......if it ever goes. I wish this one would either go or just stop nagging at me. The pain, physical pain that I feel is on a level I never thought possible. Why did this happen to me? I dig through the memories to try and find what horrible thing I have done to create such Karma if that is what this is and cannot find anything that equals this. Even multiplied I cannot think of what I've done. I've never had such a hard time holding back the tears as now. Then I feel as if I'm having my own little pity party just for me but when that happens I can even see in my cats eyes the confusion and questions of what is wrong with this person who loves, pets and feeds us? They almost seem to ask what they can do to make me feel better. Seems sad that it has come to this. Looking to my old, cranky cats for comfort.......who'd have thought?

Let's see, where have I been and when did the door lock?

It is almost summer. And here that is saying your summer is ending and our Spring has sprung...we're already getting into the "100 days of 100 degrees" as they call it here in Vegas. I love the hot summers here.

I have started a book but it has no name at this point. What do you call something that has barely begun to form in your mind much less on the written page? I call it a "draft." Maybe that's what I will name it...Draft. Nah, just doesn't sound like an Oprah Book Club nominee to me. And you know how important that is...once you hit the "O" show, you will sell. The point in all of this being to #1: Earn an income without having to suffer the pain in my back everytime I attempt to earn an income and, #2: To get all this out of my head so I can go forward from here. I really don't even know where "forward" is from here.

I was fired from my job at about 4:59pm last Weds. Yes, they relieved me of my suffering you might say. Of that suffering anyway. And they created more at the same time. They will suffer the Karma that accompanies the behavior they choose. Not my problem anymore.

I told a couple people back home that I had been fired and immediately their response is to tell me "...it's time to move home." Huh? Home? Did I ever ever in your memory EVER stay where you put me??? Did I not run from all locations you have tried? Did you not get it? I fear my response has offended some. I have been here since 2002 with no intention of leaving. I have had to leave temporarily but never with the conclusion of not returning. And who the hell are you for thinking that you should determine where I live and for how long??? I would never presume to tell you where you should live...I don't get it??? Is it because I'm the "little sister" or the "youngest child" that you feel the need??? I am going to be 51 years old in less than two months...okay, now do you get it?

To me this only indicates that I am supposed to be doing something else, with real purpose and direction........and definately a direction I decide on......not you.

I am going to shower now. I hope that my day is as well lived as my back is worn.