Today while thinking outloud to myself..........

Today while thinking outloud to myself...yeah right...I found out that the Dr has scheduled me for another round of chemo beyond the original three sessions.  So, we now are into May and this was not in my plan.  Of course, cancer was not in my plan either.  I talked with Teresa yesterday and found out that Riley (a girl in Hermiston who is a family friend of all of us who grew up there) who suffers from cancer received some devastating news yesterday; her cancer is back, in her lungs, with a vengeance and it does not look good.  The rumored time frame is about a month.  I would trade places with her in a minute if it would mean that she could beat my cancer which is more likely than her beating hers.  I am old, I've done 95% of the things I have wanted to do in my life (excluding loving a man other than my sons for longer than the times allotted so far) and she has so much more to do than I anyway.  She could probably find and love a man given the time to do so and she would probably do a much better job at it than I.  She could go to a prom, be engaged, have a huge church wedding and all the other things I so casually tossed off as unneccessary and only now realize their value.  It's a shame that some of us only realize our losses after we lose.  If I could trade places with her I would.  My sons would understand my reasoning as they know me well.  I think they could accept it if they know me at all.  I would have to do some explaining to the grandkids most likely but they are old enough now to probably assorb my thought process.  Whether it's fair to them or not is something I would have to think a bit more about.  But, I think all in all it would be possible to accept.  Riley has suffered through a far more painful and exhausting cancer experience than I.  And she is still smiling....anytime, EVERYTIME I find myself starting to boohoo over my situation or feel like the poor me's are setting in I think of her.......so young and so strong and here I am trying to feel sorry for myself.  I have to rethink my behaviour and start again.  She's my strength without even realizing it.  I pray for a miracle for her.